I Wanna Talk About Me..Just a Little

What I am. What am I?
First off, I am me. I suppose most people could claim they are themselves. I owe it to myself to be myself.Some parts of me I hope will never change, others need some progress. I suppose everyone is a work in progress, but many of those projects sit abandoned most of the time. Mine included.

I am intellectually honest. I try to be, anyway. Sometimes my temper makes me exaggerate. And, like it or not, we don't live in a world where there is ever undeniable truth. You can point to the sun in the sky and say "look, the sun is in the sky." and someone will say you are wrong, and some people will believe that guy over you. It's the way it is. So, regardless of how intelligent someone is, they will have to suffer through being called stupid or crazy more often than a bona fide dumbass.

I am intelligent. I have tested with a high IQ on legitimate tests. I have qualified for Mensa and so on. I'm here to say that in this society where I find myself, this level of intelligence is of no advantage. This society values those who jump through the right hoops. It values those who are well trained, not the trailblazers. Only when one breaks the bounds of society does the intellectually gifted shine. Mostly, I am unrelatable. My observations of reality challenge the dogma of tradition and people think I am senselessly attacking them. I see so many reasons why many beliefs don't make sense, yet I am called stupid for challenging them. I am not limiting this only to religious beliefs or political beliefs. People have a large array of beliefs. Many don't make sense. Sometimes someone can explain these things to me and I can see that I was missing some information. Sometimes I'm right. Sometimes I am wrong.

One key to being right most of the time, that many people seem to discount goes back to the intellectual honesty. I know that I don't know everything. When I don't know about a subject, I don't speak of it as if I do. Some say I never admit I'm wrong. Well, I admit it to myself before I spout off about it. The truth is, even when I have been mistaken, I actually admit I am wrong so easily and without argument that people tend not to notice. The problem is, when I know I am right, I will fight to the death. I should really let shit go. Really.

Am I arrogant.? To many people I certainly come off that way. What I've written here so far seems arrogant. The anonymity of my character has been for that reason. Here is where I speak all the truth. You get to see into my mind. You get to see everything I think. Unfiltered. No reputation to protect. No feelings to be hurt. Just my view of the world.

What am I?  I am smart, but I am a disaster. I am right, but I am unhappy. I am not fit for this world. I don't know if there is a place where I exist properly. Even in university, I found my colleagues to be unrelatable. I am not discounting their intelligence or ability. Many of them were absolute experts in their fields and could impress me at every turn, but they didn't have that thing. They didn't have that expansion of mind that I have. That thing people can't understand. Those of you that have it are nodding right now. Those that don't are scratching your heads or, more likely, rolling your eyes.

Those born with high intelligence have often been known to descend into madness or be ostracized from others. When I was first starting school, I was asked not to participate in class because I already knew everything that was being taught. I was asked to sit and color. As a result, I hated coloring. It was true. I could have started school at about third or forth grade and been fine. I had learned to read by the time I learned to talk. No one taught me. I have no time in my memory of not knowing how to read. It is another way that I can't relate. I hear of adults that can't read and I don't see how they didn't pick it up at some point. They see words every day. How did it never click just by word recognition?

People believe in things that can't be true because they want to preserve what might be true. This is what happens with religion. This happens with religion. In Christianity, for example, the mythology of Genesis is mostly stories that can't be true, but people will regard them as true because it might be true that there is an angry god that will hurt them if they disbelieve. They suppress the questioning of impossibilities. To me, such thinking is not possible. I love fictional monsters, ghosts, and gods as much as the next guy, but I don't believe them to be real. I really wish I did. Believing in an afterlife, predestination, and having someone watching over me would make me feel so much better.

I am also fat. I am morbidly obese. I think much of this blog will be dedicated to that. I told you I was a disaster. I don't take care of myself. I don't want to die, but I don't care if I live. Pretty stupid for a smart guy. Everything I do is a challenge. I can't get most jobs because I can't stand for a shift, or even half a shift every day. I am smart. I have a degree. I have abilities in art, music, and prose. But, I work nights for just over minimum wage. Mostly because I am fat.

I know, you think I should just lose the weight. That would solve it. I know it would. I even know how to do it. I need to eat different things and move more. Easy formula. And I can do it for a day or two. Then, madness sets in. I become ravenous. My brain tells me I must have a big plate of nachos and I just believe it even when I know better. A little like the guy who takes heroin again even though it's going to kill him someday soon. He knows better, but his body and brain revolt. This doesn't make sense, yet I live it. So much for all that intelligence, right? I can't even outsmart myself.

So, here I am, stuck in the middle. I live in the middle of the USA. I have a middle-sized home. I make a middle-wage living. I have an average size family. I drive a mid-sized car. I'm a midlist author, which might be giving myself too much credit. I went to a middle-ranked university. I'm middle-of-the-road politically. I'm a part of the great excluded mass I call the ignored. I don't fit in one of the regular boxes, literally because of my size, and figuratively because I think about things from multiple points of view. The irony is that I still tend to miss the generally accepted point of view. Therefore, I tend to point out too many fallacies. When someone says something is wrong, I can usually see a way that it could be one of the right answers. When someone says something is right, I can see how it might be one of the wrong answers. And thus we come to one of my secrets of life.

First Secret of Life:  All things exist a gray zone.
This will certainly come up time and again, but it is time to wrap up for now. Look for a future post about the gray zone. It might just save your life.